Confessions of a Kept Husband

That's me on the right. OK, maybe not. I can't back that up.

So there’s this guy that I hate, because he stole my job. I know this is my first post and you people don’t know me, but let me tell you this is pretty unusual for me. I’m a little biased, but I must be one of the most even-keeled people I know. A couple of times my wife has gotten really angry with me because we were arguing and apparently I wasn’t angry enough. Now when we argue I try to throw a couple of things just to make her feel better.

Anyway, back to this guy. But to understand the whole issue you need to know a little bit about me first. I am married to a really cool chick who runs her own business, which she loves, and does quite well at it. Well enough, in fact, that I haven’t worked in about a year. I help her out with her business from time to time, but nothing really approaching even part-time work. We have a son who is 2, and I get to spend a lot of time with him. Right about now you’re probably saying to yourself “wow, the poor guy. He should put up a donation box or something.” Or you might be saying “I’m not getting any younger here, get to the point.”

For quite some time now I have been trying to figure out what to do with myself. I’ve had a lot of different jobs, but they never seem to work out for me. Just not something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Lots of existential angst in this household, at least on my part. For “existential angst” read whining and moaning.

So my wife is twittering or something with Havi Brooks, and Havi tells her about Black Hockey Jesus. She tells my wife to go read his blog, and my wife does, because she pretty much does whatever Havi tells her to. Then my wife tells me to read his blog, and I do, since I pretty much do whatever my wife tells me to. This is where the problem starts. Come to think of it, I’m pretty pissed off at Havi too. But since she’s cool I guess I’ll have to get over it.

There I am, reading The Wind In My Vagina, and suddenly it hits me. Holy shit, this is what I want to do. I want to write a blog just like this guy. In fact, I think I may even want to be this guy. His writing is incredibly funny and interesting at the same time, he writes what he likes and doesn’t seem to care if people like it or not, and is just generally cool. This could be my job. It would be perfect. Unpaid, but perfect.

Then it hits me. I can’t write a blog just like him. I am really not that funny, and I care too much about what other people think. I write long (yeah, no kidding) which I think is a hold over from university when I would be up at 4 am trying to finish a paper due the same day and desperately trying to make my word count. And even if all these things were not an issue, one huge objection remains. Black Hockey Jesus is already Black Hockey Jesus. The blog already exists. There is no room for Black Hockey Jesus the sequel.

So now I hate Black Hockey Jesus. This is really saying something, since I am at heart a lazy person and hating someone really does take a lot of effort. Think about it - you have to be thinking about what the person you hate is doing almost every waking moment, and then you also have to think about how much you hate them. It’s a lot of work. Be that as it may, a large part of me wants to write him and tell him I live in the Gardens, just to piss him off. But I probably won’t since that’s a lie and I’m Canadian. Lying is kinda illegal here and would ruin our reputation of being nice people in igloos who know everyone in the country by their first names and buy toques for each other at Christmas.

There is however one saving grace. Black Hockey Jesus says that everyone need an enemy to drive and push us to exceed our previous successes, just to out do our enemy. So if I actually owned gauntlets, they would be thrown. In fact, I would throw one gauntlet, and when Black Hockey Jesus bent down to pick it up to acknowledge our enemy status in the fine tradition of the chivalric knights, I would sneak behind him and shove the other gauntlet up his ass. Anyone know where I can buy some gauntlets?

Despite the aforementioned laziness and poor writing skills (oh yeah, and a general lack of “stick-to-it-ness”) I will endeavour to be a truly awesome opponent worthy of the name “arch-enemy”. I will be subtle. No one wants to hear some guy constantly going off about how much he hates some other guy, so I will beat him by writing my blog. I will be witty. I will be smart. I will occasionally wax poetic and spout philosophy.

But I won’t rap.

August 24th, 2008 | Category: Uncategorized | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL