When Your Wife Has Cut Off Your Balls
OK, this isn't funny anymore. Who's got the keys?
[Editors note: While there is nothing more lame than someone apologizing that they haven’t posted in a while as if people were breathlessly awaiting the writer’s latest piece of wisdom, I do want to assure people that the appalling lack of posts is due to my computer being fucked for the last 34 days. This blog should be updated more than once a month]
First, let me begin by saying that if the title of this post is literally your problem, I’ve got nothing for you. If you got to this post by using the title as your search query in Google, all I can say is go to the hospital.
Having said that, let’s get on with the post. When Naomi decided to start her own business, I was totally on board. This was not as difficult as it may originally sounds, because Naomi is totally unsuited to work for anyone. She just can’t handle the red tape and utter stupidity that often comes with working for a boss.
But (and isn’t there always a but?), there was one problem. With Naomi starting her own business and me staying home to look after our son Jack, we were essentially trading gender roles. No longer would I be the sole financial supporter of our little family. I steeled myself for all the criticism I was sure to come from my sexually unenlightened and patriarchal peers.
Basically, it never came. There were no awkward conversations, no pauses as people tried to comprehend our new living arrangements. There was a time when someone told me not to worry, I’d eventually figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Considering that I have always worked for major corporations, however, I think that statement was less about gender roles and more about me going completely against what that person thought was my personality.
I didn’t get the weird looks from other people. I got the weird looks from myself.
I like to think of myself as liberal and open-minded. Recently though I have had to reconsider this self-image. I have found myself fighting against stereotypical thought, but not from other people - from myself. I’m worried that by giving up my role as the bread-winner my wife is going to wake up one day and realize that she is doing all the (financial) work. I’m worried that she’s going to wonder what exactly it is that I bring to the table.
Anyone who knows my wife knows that this would never actually happen. She is a take charge kinda gal, and is quite comfortable in her new role. But I have to say it’s weird when you have one of those moments where you realize you might not be the person you thought you were. Not better, not worse, just not who you thought. I’d never realized before how entrenched these ideas can become in our social consciousness. At least my social consciousness, anyway.
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October 2nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I would never cut off your balls, babe. They’re lovely balls. As balls go, they’re fantastic.
Just sayin’.
Naomi Dunfords last blog post..Marketing in Troubled Times: Introduction
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@Jamie - congratulations. Not on the balls thing, or the being kept thing, but on the realising that those thoughts are coming from you and not them thing. That’s one big, scary step towards getting rid of negative thoughts but the whole “I’m responsible for how I am, no-one else” thing is friggin’ difficult!
@Naomi - thanks. I’d managed to get all the way through that post without any spurious, graphic and disturbing imagery. Then you turn up.
P.S. It may just be me - but I had to hunt for that little Submit Comment button!
James | Dancing Geeks last blog post..The Lazy People series
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Unlike the last commenter, who I suspect may have some personal insight, I am not here to comment about your danglies. I liked your post — insightful, funny, and (probably) very true for a lot of people.
My husband and I have a similar arrangement, although he has a part-time job (20-25 hours a week). He seems to be very happy with the arrangement, and for the most part, I am, too. And no one has given us any grief about it, at least openly.
– Laurie @ Foolery
foolerys last blog post..So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I’m pretty sure there is plenty you bring to the table besides money. I know, I know, that seems to be what most men are worrying about, bringin home that bacon. You know what you can do if you feel a bit inadequate? Rub her shoulders next time she’s freaking out over some deadline, or there are deadbeats leaving her negative e-mails. Maybe keep Jack extra quiet when she has things that NEED to be done now. Of course, you don’t need me to tell you this stuff, do you? =)
Melissas last blog post..The Ass vs. The Elephant
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
My husband, who also has very lovely balls, stays at home with our little dude, too. It’s almost worth doing just for the factor of seeing what part is gender roles and what part is who-ostensibly-earns-the-money roles. (I still work in an office, so we get into some entertaining reverse stereotypes on occasion. By “entertaining” I mean “excruciatingly annoying.”)
Anyway, we in the blogosphere applaud your balls. And I know that’s important to you.
Sonia Simones last blog post..Does Your Business Have the Support It Needs?
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I feel you on this one, Jamie - not because I am currently a kept husband, but because I see myself being one before long. I now say I’m cool with it, but there’s that dark gremlin in the back of my head that rears his ugly head when I think about the fact that our relationship, and part of my identity, has always been made up with me being the breadwinner.
Will not being the breadwinner change power dynamics?
Will I be more meek about (material) stuff that I want?
Will I be able to secure time off for myself when I’m not the hard (outside) worker?
It’s a nebulous territory for me, and I’m not scared of getting left - but I am scared of how I’ll then view myself. And it’s the way we view ourselves, and the insecurities therein, that cause a lot of funk in relationships.
Maybe a different question: “Am I man enough to separate manliness and breadwinning?”
We’ll see. Great post!
Charlie Gilkeys last blog post..Why You Get Dumped On and What To Do About It
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I don’t get the poll. Do we have to A) sleep with one of them B) murder one of them or C) sing Karaoke with one of them?
It must be one of those cuz I can’t think of anything else, so I’ll cover off all the bases.
A. Elton John - he’d know what to do and where to do it.
B. Elton John - He’s a wuss and even I could deal with him armed only with a potato peeler.
C. Billy Joel - Oh yes you did start the fire you twat, I saw you and I’m gonna sing about it.
Tim Brownsons last blog post..7 Keys To Successful Self Development
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Hey Jamie! Didn’t know you had a blog, but this post was a perfectly lovely introduction. To your writing, I mean. The BoyPie and I are each self-employed and both offer near-luxury services, ie: only for those with disposable income or deep business pockets. So when one of us has a slightly less stellar month than our own previous month, it’s our own head — like yours — that gets us tying our worth to our income. He gets bummed and frustrated and dips into credit; I do without and step up the housework to feel like I’m still contributing… which can lead to resentment. [Thank god our big early-retirement nest egg is safe and sound on Wall Stre-- what's that?! Jus' kiddin'. We'd work to he grave, but only on the fun stuff.]
Thanks for giving us your thoughts on the prejudice-from-within, it’s a good reminder to bring more to the table than $ in the first place. Nice going, man.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
“Naomi Dunford:
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I would never cut off your balls, babe. They’re lovely balls. As balls go, they’re fantastic.
Just sayin’.”
See, you DO bring something to the table! She has no balls of her own, and she likes yours, so you’ll always have that, at least. : )
Caroles last blog post..Twitter Updates for 2008-09-30
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Okay, so who could resist such a post title? No mortal woman or man. Or dog.
That’s all. Keep writing. We need more Canadian kept husband’s meditations on whether the nether bits have gone missing or if it’s all in our heads.
Seriously, all (good) spouses worry from time to time about whether they are holding up their half of the sky.
Lisas last blog post..A New Blog: the Firke Files
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:13 pm
@ James: You’re right, it’s a lot easier when you can point at someone or something else and say “it’s YOUR fault!”. Although at least if it’s my fault I can do something about it.
@ foolery: Were you surprised by that? I don’t know why, but for some reason I thought people would think it was totally weird. It truly threw me when no one seemed at all phased by it.
@ Melissa: That’s the weird thing. Logically, I know I bring enough to the table that not being the breadwinner is OK. Emotionally, though, I can’t seem to convince myself that the things I contribute are as important as bringing in an income. I’m working on it though.
@ Sonia: Hey Sonia! That’s a good point - if Naomi worked in an office I wonder if we would have experienced more negative reactions.
@ Charlie: You hit the nail on the head. The change in power dynamics was really disconcerting for me. I haven’t had to depend on someone for money since I was 14. Like you say, the answer is in separating bringing in an income from manliness. Totally worth it though, btw.
@ Tim: That was hilarious, and maybe even a little revealing? We have a federal election coming up here in Canada (Oct 14) and I was a little tired of reading all those meaningless polls, so I put up my own. You interpreted correctly: I didn’t say in what capacity because I was hoping someone might leave a comment like yours. Thanks, that made me laugh.
@ GirlPie: Confession time. I also do the housework, and I totally feel hard done by! What the hell is up with that? I mean, what else am I doing with my day? But there’s another internal prejudice for you.
@ Carole: See, there you go! Always looking at the positive…
@ Lisa: That’s a good point, I’m sure we all wonder from time to time if we’re doing enough. Perhaps it’s when we stop wondering that there’s a problem
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:37 am
Jamie,
WHY didn’t I get the memo that you have a blog? It’s not right. I fawn loyally all over Naomi, I shoulda got a memo. Man!
As to your job: Dude, you’ve got the full-time, back-breaking job that women have been complaining they should be paid for in goofy news articles for decades. It’s hard work, what you’re doing.
Never feel like you’re not doing enough. You are shaping humans. Is there anything more?
No. There isn’t.
You’re the man of Naomi’s dreams—and that, I’m guessing, means you are a heck of a man. Rest easy.
Regards,
Kelly
Kellys last blog post..Inspiration Points: The Not-So-Secret Ticket to Your Fortunes
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Balls or not, happy birthday, dude!
Jonathan Fieldss last blog post..Why Really Smart People Disagree On Who Won The Debate
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Hey, Jamie. Your wyffe sez it’s your birthday! Happy birthday!
Lisas last blog post..A New Blog: the Firke Files
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Maybe since she has cut them off she will let you hold the jar they are in for your birthday! So, happy birthday man! And don’t feel bad, they do it to us all…
Michaels last blog post..School Sports Site
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
A little birdy said it’s your birthday! (At least I think it was a birdie: it tweeted, anyway….)
Happy Birthday! Go do something I wouldn’t do! : )
Caroles last blog post..Twitter Updates for 2008-09-30
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Happy birthday Jamie! I hope the fan socks make an appearance!
My hubby has been 100% supportive of me quitting my job to start my own small business last year. We are feeling the pressure to grow my business so he can quit his job and work for me. I’m a little skeptical, but he’s always been my biggest cheerleader, balls included.
October 4th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Hi Everyone!
Thanks for all the b-day wishes. Best birthday ever.