Do Opposites Attract?
I got nothing. No smart-ass comment here.
This has probably got to be one of the most trite and clichéd questions ever to exist in the English language. Which kind of begs the question, does this expression exist in other languages, or is it a uniquely Western expression?
Anyhoo, whenever I used to hear people ask this question in magazines, TV shows, or just around the water cooler, I used to completely tune out. I mean, can we really say with any kind of certainty which personality types work together? I know some astrologists and other new-age hippie types (Hi Havi! - just kidding) believe you can, but I guess I just thought that this was one of those never -going- to be -resolved type things and moved on with my life.
Recently though I have been struggling with this question. Naomi and I have always had our differences. She is a lot more left-wing then I am, for one. She is also a lot more self-confident than I am. I, on the other hand, tend to be more rational than she is. I also am more solution-oriented than she is. She likes to talk, and I like to solve. Usually, though, these differences complement each other pretty well.
After Naomi started her business these differences started to become a lot more apparent. She is way more of a risk taker than I am. Way more. She is completely happy to spend the rent money on something a week before rent is due in complete confidence that something will come up between now and then to make everything all right. And the worse thing is, she’s usually right. But occasionally she’s not.
It’s dawned on me that our different risk tolerances spill over into almost every aspect of our lives. Before anyone offers to send us to counselling, let me say that Naomi and I love each other very much and have a very strong marriage. But I can’t help but be aware of all the compromises Naomi has to make for me, and the ones I make for her. And sometimes I find myself wondering if this is sustainable.
If opposites don’t attract, then how long can these compromises go on before someone starts feeling they’d be better off on their own? I know that everyone says marriage is about compromise, but sometimes it feels like we’re compromising on everything. Which is great for “us” the couple, but means that neither one of us ever really gets exactly what we want.
So how do you know? How do you know when you’ve made one compromise too many? And if marriage is about compromise, <em>can</em> you make one compromise too many?
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October 6th, 2008 at 10:45 am
My take on compromise and marriage is that the partners in a strong relationship have the will or the inclination to make a lovable quirk out of what to anyone else would be a pain in the ass. What exactly that will or inclination consists of, I don’t know. But it’s that ineffable thing that makes me go, “oh, you’re allergic to everything and impossible to cook for–that’s so cute.” It makes him go, “you can never answer a question with a straight yes or no, you always have to give the complete history–that’s so dear.”
It may be that you can make one compromise too many and that tips the balance. I’ve certainly seen couples lose that will to treat the imperfect and the irritating with affection.
On the other hand, I also know that one can make a compromise that appears to have dire consequences, that threatens to tear a couple apart, and yet the ineffable will to remain in loving regard somehow remained unscathed.
October 6th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
You know, I almost married my twin(not literally). He was born on the same day three hours before me, and everything that happened to him in life, I would have reacted the exact same way to those situations. The first year we were together was perfect… But everything I didn’t like about myself, I couldn’t stand about him. You’d think we would understand each other perfectly, but we didn’t. Living with another me was terrible.
Now I’m with someone who is almost the exact opposite of me, we just happen to like some of the same things. I compromise way more than he does, but that is just part of my nature. (which is odd because I’m an only child, go figure) I’m confrontational, but I’m a peace maker. Sometimes I do get sick of compromise, but I say something about it. There are some battles you just gotta win, right?
At least in physics opposites attract. LOL
Melissas last blog post..Political/Personal Ranting Anyone?
October 6th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
In a good relationship you’ll both make lots of compromises - so it may seem like neither party ever gets what they really want, but in reality you end up getting so much more in return
October 7th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
@ Lisa: I think that’s the key point - being able to recognize which compromises are OK with you, and which issues you feel you can’t afford to compromise on. When you compromise on an issue that you feel strongly about, you may end up with short term peace, but that compromise will come back to bite you later. However, if both oartners are normally willingly to compromise it makes it much easier when one partner decides that on this occasion they have to put their foot down.
@ Melissa: I couldn’t have said it better - I couldn’t live with another me either. I need Naomi to counterbalance all the personality traits I have that have caused me trouble in the past, and vice versa.
@ Lisa Wood: Compromising definitely makes you feel that you are part of something bigger than yourself. I think if Naomi and I didn’t have to compromise on issues, we might always get what we wanted but we would end up being two people living under the same roof instead of a couple.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:56 am
I meant to comment on this DAYS ago!
I’ve found that I don’t mind compromising, as long as I’m looking at things from the mindset of “what will make him/them happy?” When I start thinking, “but THIS is what would make ME happy,” then compromising starts to feel like I’m losing something…. When I’m focused on what might make my husband or kids happy, then I feel good for helping them be happy.
Ideally, they are also focusing on what might make ME happy, so we’re each watching out for each other, rather than worrying about ourselves—we’re still each making compromises, yet we don’t feel any resentment about it because we’re happy for making the other feel good.
Did any of that make sense? It made sense in my head, but I’m not sure the words came out right….
October 9th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Hey! My gravatar isn’t showing up!
Caroles last blog post..Correcting a blown-out, hazy photo
October 16th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Hey Jamie — write more often.
November 28th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
jamie
total agreement with @GirlPie…write more often! these are great questions!
chass last blog post..how to have a happy holiday
November 28th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I think a lot of people pair with their opposites. Any quality (risk tolerance) has advantages and disadvantages. This often ends up making someone very strong in one area (bravery) and very weak in another (prudence). A risk-taking person benefits from a cautious spouse who can save them from the dark side of this quality, by (for example) coming up with a Plan B. This is true for just about any human quality you can think of. The best-working partnerships I have seen have been composed of individuals who were strong where the other was weak. I don’t know whether this is because opposites are literally sexier to people, because partnerships that *don’t* have complimentary strength fail, or because of adaption (I have, for example, become a better hostess when paired with an especially bad one, so we could have a social life).
Naturally this involves a certain amount of conflict. I see a lot of “agreeing to disagree” and “segregated domains” in successful couples. But you didn’t ask about that, you asked about compromise, and how to know when you’ve compromised too much.
This is how I’ve done it: I try to look at my partnership as a living body composed of three parts: me, her, and the relationship. As I thrive or suffer, so does the rest of the body. Likewise I cannot profit at the expense of either of the other two parts. Compromising “too much” throws the body out of balance. So disrupted balance is often a sign of wrong compromise. Another indication requires self-knowledge and empathy: I know what I need, and what’s going to harm me, so I can tell that I’m compromising “too much” if it harms or deprives me in a way that is *disproportionate* to the harm or deprivation being experienced by the other two parts.
I hope that makes some kind of sense. This kind of stuff can be hard to articulate. Basically I’m talking about being equally kind to yourself and your partner as an antidote for sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of your partner, which is probably just going to backfire anyway.
Amys last blog post..I really need to get into the habit of taking a mid-day break